friend

/frend/

[](data:image/svg+xml;base64,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)

noun

1. a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

when i was younger, i felt jealous when people would talk about their best friends. they had grown up together, their parents were close, and it seemed like there was no shortage of similarities in their lifestyles.

as someone with immigrant parents who wasn’t fully accustomed to the american culture, i somehow got along with these kids but didn’t feel a lasting bond. i felt out of place, unsure, and lonely at times.

but somewhere along the way in high school, i began to see friendship as a fluid concept. i realized that, in both my past and present, under the influence of my environment, i had unknowingly set thresholds for what constituted friendship.

a visual representation of this in my head (default shape a pyramid because the thresholds one sets typically filter out more people as you move up)

3 hs memories that helped me discover this:

• deven: our friendship started when after one of our ap tests, i felt like clowning and gave this nerdy dude sitting in front of me a massage on his shoulders. that led to things like him dressing me up in indian traditional clothing to school, us making weird faces at each other and busting out laughing in class, taking stupid photos of each other, and him remixing a video of me advertising an indian juice box. i realized that a friendship doesn’t feel forced.
• juhi: i commented in passing that “bob” was stupid for not knowing x. she looked at me and asked if it’s stupid to not know something. it was the first time someone questioned me so directly; i realized i make many assumptions.
• kirsten: on my birthday, i received a piece of mj art she had created for me. it was very detailed, had his personality on point, and the font of “king of pop” matched so well. i realized when people care, it doesn’t go unnoticed.

and so, it was time to rebuild. as i challenged these boundaries, i saw they were either extrinsically or intrinsically motivated.

good looks, nice clothes, girls’ attention, how long you had known one another —> extrinsic

cool thoughts, curiosity, passion —> intrinsic

this clarity was beautiful. i thought less about what others showed and prioritized vibing, talking, and creating with people that care. people who care about others. people who care about their craft. people who care about a better tomorrow. these are my friends. people i respect, people who inspire me.

and what about this is fluid? i no longer have preconceived notions of what makes up a friend. as long as someone aligns with my values, s/he is a friend. for ex, i invited someone i had met 2 months earlier to my wedding — something that would make most people hesitate.

taking a bird’s eye view, i see this played out in society. people saying “you’re like a brother to me” or witnessing two seemingly opposite people fall in love. people realize, whether subconsciously or consciously, discretely or continuously, what they value in others.